Monday, September 29, 2008

Alive!

I'm still here. Not really going anywhere either just having some quiet time. Have been doing a lot of inner reflection lately. I feel quite old-not "old" but old enough to know better. Old enough to let things go and old enough where I want to decide what it is I really want out of life-what is important to me, what makes me who I am.

Lately I have been feeling like I spent a good part of my twenties feeling kinda lost. I suppose that is probably fairly normal-a sort of quarter life crisis if you will. All sounds pretty self indulgent actually.

I think when I moved from my tiny little town I grew up in to Brisbane I had the desire to leave a lot of unhealthy stuff behind. To sort of start fresh. But I think in the process I lost some of the good stuff too. I was thinking the other day about life before anxiety attacks. My whole view of the world was completely different.

I want some of my calm, easy going self back. I want to let go of control a little and just live my life-let it wash over me as it will. I sometimes feel like I am always trying toget one step ahead of
myself.

When I think about the kind of person I would like to be, my mind always drifts to those calm, wholesome looking people I see making their way about the world.

I want simplicity. I want quiet. I want music in my life again. I want vegetarian meals that make me feel like I am loving my body from the inside out. When I was younger I used to love going to my vegetarian friend's houses for meals. It just felt right.

I want to stop worrying about how my hair looks when I go out. I'm sick of hearing people talk about their weight. I want beaded jewellery and essential oils and dreamy, floaty skirts that make me want to dance.

I want time with friends. I want to listen rather than waiting impatiently for my turn. I want conversation. I want hugs.

I want a peaceful home. I want not to get so frustrated with my family. I want to clean my house with a sense of purpose rather than a sense of resentment and frustration.

I want chicken soup for the soul. I want daily reminders to keep me going.

I want to do better.

I want not to want for so much :P

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

bleugh!

I couldn't feel much worse today-sleep deprived, horrid cold and pre-menstrual. ick.

We have all been sick this week and I am sooooooooooo over it! I have soldiered on fairly well over the week because Grace was quite sick with an ear infection + nasty cold so she needed me, and hayd has been whingeing my bloody earoff (such a pain in the ass when he is sick! an oversized baby! Today I seem to have hit the wall though and I just want to curl up and cry.sigh!

hope you are all happy and healthy
xoxo

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Itchy

I'm so itching to get this baby-making business underway!!! It's really annoying me. After waiting so long a month feels unbearable! I am all set with OPK's and HPT's and fertility friend, I'm getting all technomologiacal :p

This week I have an assignment to do so you probably won't hear much out of me-but that's where I am at.

Sending love and hugs xoxoxo

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Signed up and ready to.....well, you know! ;)

So we finally sorted out our private health insurance. Yay! We only have a 9 month wait on obstetrics with our fund so we are going to start trying next month......Yay!! *happy dance**

It's been such a long wait and I am very excited.

This is an article about the hospital we chose
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,21558594-5003426,00.html

This is the hospital

http://www.nambourselangor.com.au/maternity/introduction.asp

This is what made me insistent that we get private cover and have our baby at this hospital

We provide a comprehensive maternity care service catering for all types of birth. Uniquely, our experienced team of midwives, obstetricians, paediatricians and anesthetists work together to fully support women in their choice to enjoy water birth, natural twin birth and natural birth following one or more previous caesareans.

and this

This commitment to supporting women’s choice, and collaborative philosophy of care, has helped to establish Nambour Selangor Private Hospital’s position as a leader in the provision of maternity services at both a national and international level.

I had a horrible pregnancy and birth experience with Grace, it was truly awful and one of the main reasons preventing me from adding to our little family sooner. The idea of going through that again terrified me. Briefly:

* I was booked in to be induced without my knowledge or consent-I overheard a nurse talking about it and I was beside myself. I had to argue until they allowed me to give Grace some time to come out on her own schedule.

* I was admitted to hospital with pregnancy induced hypertension which was being controlled by medication-which they kept forgetting to give me.

* I was wheeled down for a scan and told to wait for someone to come and wheel me back (I was on bed rest and they wouldn't allow me to walk down by myself). I waited an hour and a half then ditched the chair and made my way back to my room in tears. They forgot to come and get me.

* I had an internal examination that was so painful that my crying for the nurse to stop made the woman next door come and comfort me-she said it sounded horrific. Despite my cries for her to stop she continued to push her hands further into my vagina.

* The night before I was induced my blood pressure rose. I was told by a nurse that they knew this would happen and that i should have been induced when I was told to and that now I was going to have to have an emergency c-section. My blood pressure normalised within the hour and I was induced as scheduled for my vaginal birth the next day.

* I was using heat packs on my back for pain relief which they took away and wouldn't give back.

* The hugs spa bath in the birth suite was empty and beckoning and yet we were not allowed to use it because apparently the nurses weren't "trained" for it-not even for water immersion for pain relief. This has been the case since the baths were put in and has remained that way for almost 10 years.To my knowledge they still sit empty while women labour away unable to use them.

* During labour I was told that if i wanted an epidural I had better have one now because the anesthesist would be unavailable later. Worried that i wouldn't be able to get one later if I needed one I consented-meaning I spent the rest of my labour flat on my back on the bed and told not to move-despite the fact that the epidural wasn't working and I could feel my contractions along with my legs.

* My child's head had multiple bleeding scratches when she was born from the monitor attached to her scalp during labour that she kept trying to get away from.

* My child was born not breathing and was thankfully resuscitated soon afterwards and spent time in both intensive and special care. During this time her condition was barely explained to us until we were told that we could take her home.

To this day i am still sketchy as to what actually happened and remember the Dr's "what's the big fuss about ? face as I sobbed uncontrollably when she told me that they were still observing her in case her little lungs weren't working properly. She looked uncomfortable and left the room. To an experienced dr this is probably all very matter of fact but to a new parent it is traumatic and terrifying!

Anyways I felt completely at the mercy of the public hospital system. There was absolutely no continuity of care and questions were discouraged. When I did dare to question the almighty Dr's I was met with a "you trouble maker" type of response. It was made quite obvious that i wasn't expected to question what was going on nor was I expected to pay attention-it would probably have been preferred if I didn't.

Whilst i am not naive enough to think you have any real control or idea what is going to happen with birth I do think that I should be able to have a more positive experience than the one I received. Infact I think I am entitled to it. I considered the option of home birth but to be honest with what happened with Grace I am happy that she was in the hands of her doctors-I only wish her dr's could have spent some time explaining to us what was going on and to help us through the process. Whilst it may have been business as usual for them it was our first precious child who was gravely ill-a bit of sensitivity wouldn't have gone astray.

I have heard nothing but positive experiences from parents and midwifes alike about Selangor and whilst we will be left out of pocket even with our private cover, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to birth there. The kind of service they offer should be available to all women and we shouldn't have to pay ridiculous amounts for it.

Seriously, it's the simple things

* I would like to see the same midwifes/obs throughout my pregnancy and birth wherever possible.If this is not possible I would appreciate my care providers to communicate with each other and offer consistent treatment.

* I would like all pain relief options available to me when and if I ask for it wherever medically possible. That means if I want an epidural I shouldn't be forced to choose one now or never-I want my options left open should I need them.I don't want my decisions to be clouded by whether Jo Bloggs needs to get to golf.

Furthermore I would like the option of wallowing in a great big warm bath should I want that and the option to birth my child into the water if my birth is safe and uncomplicated. I want my care providers to have faith in a woman's innate ability to birth her baby rather than see pregnancy and birth as a medical condition needing to be "fixed".

I just want choice and a voice.

yay for Selangor!!!

rant rant etc

Sorry-the memories are just a bit hard for me :O(